Home • Resources & Services
PARENTING RESOURCE
Aggressive Behavior in ToddlersFeb 1, 2016
By Claire Lerner and Rebecca Parlakian
Help your child learn to manage strong emotions and reactions as they become aware ofthemselves as separate individuals from their parents and the other important people in theirworld.
It’s important is to teach your child that there are many ways to express his feelings in healthy, non-hurtful ways. (Credit: Cresta Johnson /
Shutterstock.com)
The period between 18 months and 3 years is an exciting time. Toddlers are becoming aware that
they are separate individuals from their parents and the other important people in their world.
This means that they are eager to assert themselves, communicate their likes and dislikes, and act
independently (as much as they can!). At the same time, they still have limited self-control and
are just beginning to learn important skills like waiting, sharing and turn-taking.
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Consider the following example:
Sherman, aged 2, grabbed the red bucket and began shoveling sand into it. Jojo, the previous
“owner” of the bucket, shouted: “Mine! My bucket!” When words don’t get his bucket back, Jojo
grabs for the bucket, but Sherman pulls it away and jumps out of the sand box. Jojo follows
Sherman, pushes him, grabs the bucket, and returns to the sandbox. When Sherman approaches
the sandbox once more, Jojo carefully guards his bucket, wrapping his arm around it and
watching Sherman closely. Their parents, who had seen the drama unfold, walk across the
playground and recite the “use your words” speech for what feels like the millionth time.
As toddlers are also just beginning to use words to communicate, they rely heavily on their
actions to “tell” us what they are thinking and feeling. When a toddler wants a toy, he may take
your hand, walk you to the toy shelf, and point to the one he wants, essentially “saying” with his
gestures, “Daddy, I want to play with that toy. Please get it for me.” When he is angry, frustrated,
tired or overwhelmed, he may use actions such as hitting, pushing, slapping, grabbing, kicking, or
biting to tell you: “I’m mad!” “You’re too close to me, get away!” “I’m on overdrive and need a
break.” Or “I want what what you have!”
With your support and guidance, your child will learn to manage herstrong emotions and reactions over the next months and years.
Like most aspects of development, there is a wide variation among children when it comes to
acting out aggressively. Children who are intense and “big reactors” tend to have a more difficult
time managing their emotions than children who are by nature more easygoing. Big reactors rely
more heavily on using their actions to communicate their strong feelings.
As parents, one of your most important jobs is to help your toddler understand and communicate
her feelings in acceptable, nonaggressive ways. This is no small task. It requires a lot of time and
patience. But with your support and guidance, your child will learn to manage her strong
emotions and reactions over the next months and years.
What to Think About
No two children or families are alike. Thinking about the following questions can help you adapt
and apply the information and strategies below to your unique child and family:
What kinds of situations usually lead to your child acting aggressively?
Why do you think this is? When your child acts in ways that seem aggressive, how do you
typically react?
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
te
Do you think this reaction is helpful to your child or not? Why?
What to Expect from Birth to 3
From Birth to 12 Months
Lacey, aged 11 months, wants a bite of the cookie her mother is eating. Lacey kicks her feet,
waves her arms, and makes lots of sounds. But her mother just gives her another spoonful of
squash. Lacey swings her arms and knocks the spoon out of her mother’s hand. Squash on the
wall! Lacey bangs her hands on the high chair and starts to cry.
One of the greatest challenges in dealing with aggressive behavior is that it can feel very hurtful
to parents, both emotionally and physically. When your baby yanks on your nose and won’t let
go, grabs at earrings, pulls hair, bites when breastfeeding, or bats his hand at you when you take
away a forbidden object, it is perfectly natural to feel a flash of frustration or even anger.
However, babies do not mean to hurt or upset their loved ones. They are simply exploring the
world around them through their senses. They learn how the world works by biting, mouthing,
grabbing, shaking and dropping, and swatting and seeing what happens as a result, which is
usually a pretty big reaction.
From 12 to 24 Months
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
te
Try not to negotiate. Having consistent rules—about things like holding hands in a parking lot, sitting in a car seat, or brushing teeth—actually
helps children feel safe and secure. (Credit: G-stockstudio / Shutterstock.com)
Justin, aged 16 months, is having a great time with his father’s cell phone. He presses buttons and
makes all kinds of pictures come up on the screen. When his father sees what Justin is doing, he
grabs the phone out of his hand and says, “No way, buddy. This is not for kids.” Justin shouts
back: “I want dat!” as he kicks his father with gusto. When his dad picks him up to calm him down,
Justin kicks again with both feet.
Aggression (hitting, kicking, biting, etc.) usually peaks around age two, a time when toddlers have
very strong feelings but are not yet able to use language effectively to express themselves.
Toddlers also don’t have the self-control to stop themselves from acting on their feelings. They
are just beginning to develop empathy—the ability to understand how others feel. So, they
cannot yet say, Mommy, I am mad that Zachary grabbed my favorite doll. But I know he just
wants to play with me. So how about I offer him a different doll to play with? Instead, your
toddler may bop Zachary on the head with a toy truck.
From 24 to 36 Months
Bella, aged 30 months, is having a hard time saying goodbye to her mom at child care. As her
mother starts to leave, Bella reaches out for her, sobbing, “Don’t go, Mommy!” Chandra, Bella’s
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
te
friend, comes over to try and comfort Bella. Bella surprises her by roughly pushing her arm away
and running to her cubby. Bella sits curled up under her coat hook, crying. When Talisa, one of
the teachers, approaches Bella to see if she wants to read a story, Bella hits her. Talisa remains
calm, holds Bella close, and tells her she knows Bella is sad that her mommy left and that it’s okay
to be sad, but hitting is not okay. She then helps Bella get involved in an activity with her friends.
Aggressive acts, such as punching a parent, often emerge when toddlers are overwhelmed by a
distressing situation or by difficult feelings like anger or jealousy. These moments can be
extremely challenging for parents because they are hurtful. Parents often expect that as their
older toddles become more and more verbal and advanced in their thinking skills, they are
capable of more self-control than they really are. This stage of development can be very
confusing because while your 2 ½-year-old may be able to tell you what the rule is, she still does
not have the impulse control to stop herself from doing something she desires. At this age,
emotions still trump thinking skills almost every time.
The bottom line is that when a toddler is aggressive, it is an important sign that he is out of
control and needs help to calm down before any teaching or learning can take place. Staying
calm yourself is the best response as it helps your child calm down more quickly. Read below for
ways to handle aggression in your young child.
How You Can Respond to Aggression in 3 Steps
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
te
Aggressive acts, such as punching a parent, often emerge when toddlers are overwhelmed by a distressing situation or by difficult feelings like
anger or jealousy. (Credit: Aloha Hawaii / Shutterstock.com)
Step 1: Observe and Learn
Thinking through the following questions can help you see patterns and figure out what the
underlying reason for your child’s behavior might be. You can use this information to decide the
best way to respond.
What is going on in your child’s world?
Where is the behavior happening? Home? Childcare? Shopping mall? Grandma’s apartment?
Or is it happening in all/most of the settings your child is in?
If it is only happening in one setting, could there be something about that environment (i.e.,
too crowded, bright, overwhelming, etc.) that is triggering the behavior?
Is the behavior directed toward one specific person or a small group of people? Or is the
behavior directed, at times, to anyone in the child’s circle?
When does the behavior usually happen? For example, right before nap time, when your
child is tired? At times of transition, such as going from one activity to another? These kinds
of stressors are common triggers for aggressive behavior.
What happened right before your child’s challenging behavior? For example, had you just
announced it was time to stop playing and get in the car? Had another child just taken a toy
out of his hands?
Has there been a recent change in her world that is making your child feel upset, out of
control, sad, or perhaps less safe and secure overall? Events like switching rooms at child
care, moving homes, a new baby or the loss of a pet can make your child feel insecure and
therefore less able to control her impulses.
Other important factors to consider:
Developmental Stage: Is the behavior typical for your child’s age/stage? For example, some
hitting and biting is normal for toddlers, but biting multiple times during the week would be
more of a concern.
Child’s Temperament: Could the behavior be explained, in part, by your child’s way of
approaching the world? For example, a very intense, sensitive child may feel overwhelmed in
settings where there is a lot of stimulation, such as free playtime at child care. He may bite as
a way to cope—perhaps to keep people at a distance to protect himself. A slow-to-warm-up
child may hit a parent when left with a new babysitter. Fear often gets expressed as anger in
young children (not to mention many adults.)
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
te
Your Own Temperament and Life Experiences: Is this behavior particularly difficult for you? If
so, why? Sometimes a parent’s own past experience—for example, having had parents with
very strict rules about how to behave at a restaurant—influences her reactions to her child’s
behavior. She might have a short “fuse” when dealing with her own squirmy child at the
diner. Being aware of these kinds of connections helps you look at and respond to your
child’s behavior more effectively, and in ways that are based on her age, stage of
development, and temperament.
What’s Going On With You?
How do you handle your own feelings when your child acts out aggressively? Are you able to
calm yourself before you respond?
How effective do you feel you are in helping your child to manage his aggressive feelings?
What works? What doesn’t work? Why? What do you feel your child is learning from the way
you respond when he is aggressive?
Step 2: Respond to your child based on your best understanding of the behavior.
How to Head Off Aggressive Behavior
Think prevention. Use what you know about your child to plan ahead. For example, if you
know that she feels very shy when meeting new people, you may want to start flipping
through the family photo album during the weeks before you attend a big family picnic so
she can start to recognize extended family members. During playtime, you might have a
pretend picnic with her Aunt Laila and Uncle Bert. You may want to pack your daughter’s
“lovey” as well as a few of her favorite books to bring along. When you get to the event, help
your relatives connect with your daughter by suggesting that they don’t rush in for a big hug,
but wait for her to warm up first. Using these strategies is not “giving in” to your child. You
are helping her manage what, for her, is a very challenging situation. This helps her learn how
to cope when she encounters new people in a new setting, such as school.
Give advanced notice of an upcoming change. “We will read one more book and then it’s
time to get in the car to go home. Which book do you want to read?” (Giving choices can
help children feel more in control and reduce aggression.)
Help your child understand her feelings and behavior. This self-awareness helps him learn to
manage his feelings in positive ways. For example, you might say to an older toddler who has
a difficult time moving between activities: “It’s hard for you to stop playing to get in the car
to go to childcare. Why don’t you pick out a favorite book to read on the way? Or we can
play ‘I spy’ while we drive. Which do you want to do?” Over time this helps your child learn
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
te
strategies to cope with situations that are challenging for him. With younger children, put
words to their feelings and then redirect them. “You are mad daddy turned off the TV. But
look at this cool ball and how it bounces.”
Strategies for Responding to Aggression
As you review the strategies described below, keep in mind that their effectiveness may vary
based on both the age and stage of development of your child and on his or her temperament.
They are not offered as prescriptions, but ideas that can be adapted to meet the needs of your
individual child and family.
Stay calm. This is the essential first step. Try taking some deep breaths. You can even take
your own “time out” for a minute or two to calm yourself. Staying in control makes it more
likely that your child will calm down more quickly. When you get agitated, upset, and
frustrated at your child’s tantrum, it often increases her distress. She needs you to be her
rock when she is “losing it.”
Recognize your child’s feeling or goal. Let your child know that you understand what he
wants to do: You want to play with the water, but you cannot spill the water from your sippy
cup on the floor. Or, You are really angry. You want to stay longer at the playground, but it is
not okay to hit mommy. Hitting hurts.
Use words and gestures to communicate your message. Words alone may not be enough to
get your toddler to stop an unacceptable activity. To help your child understand your
message, use an authoritative, matter-of-fact (not angry or screaming) voice. At the same
time, use a “stop” or “no-no” gesture along with your words. You might say, No hitting,
hitting hurts, as you take her hand and hold it by her side, firmly but not angrily. Keep in
mind, it takes many, many repetitions, hearing the words together with the actions, before
the words alone are enough.
Offer alternatives. Tell and show your child acceptable ways to reach his goal or channel his
energy. If you interrupt your child’s behavior, but do not offer an acceptable alternative, the
unacceptable behavior is more likely to continue. So for a little one who loves to dump his
sippy cup and play with his drink, take him outside or put him in the bath where he can
happily play with liquids. For a child who loves to hurl objects, make a game out of throwing
soft balls into a basket or box.
Try a distraction. If your child is highly agitated, try a distraction. This is an unpredictable
response your child isn’t expecting, like asking a child who is shouting angrily to join you in a
game. Or just go to her and give her a big bear hug.
Suggest ways to manage strong emotions. When your child is really angry, suggest that he
jump up and down, hit the sofa cushions, rip paper, cuddle up in a cozy area for alone time,
paint an angry picture, or some other strategy that you feel is appropriate. What’s important
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
te
is to teach your child that there are many ways to express his feelings in healthy, non-hurtful
ways, and to help him practice these strategies regularly.
Have your child take a break. Some children actually calm down much more quickly when
given the chance to be by themselves in a safe, quiet place. This is not punishment. It is an
important strategy to help children learn to soothe themselves and regain control—a critical
life skill. Think of and call this safe, quiet space as a kind of “cozy corner”. It might have some
pillows, stuffed animals, books and small, safe toys. Have your child help design it with you.
The more she feels she has a role in it, the more likely she will accept using it. When your
child does pull herself together, it is very important that you acknowledge this big step by
telling her what a good job she did calming herself down.
Step 3: Help your older toddler (2 ½ to 3 years), who is beginning to understand logicand rational thinking, learn from his actions.
Help your older toddler, who is beginning to understand logic and rational thinking, learn from
his actions.
Point out the consequences of your child’s behavior: After you hit Carrie, she started to cry.
It hurt. She felt sad and mad. She didn’t want to play with you anymore and that made you
sad too.
Brainstorm better choice(s) your child could make next time. If Carrie takes the doll you’re
playing with, what are some things you could do besides hit? If your child doesn’t have any
ideas (this is very normal), you can suggest some strategies such as helping her use her
words: “That is my doll. Please give it back,” and then offering Carrie another doll.
Remind your child that she can always come to you for help.
Once you offer a few ideas, he might be better able to think of some on his own. The ability
to substitute an acceptable action for one that is not acceptable is a crucial part of
developing self-control. It is also an important skill for functioning well in school and
throughout life. Also keep in mind that the best timing for this brainstorming process may
vary for different children. Some may benefit from thinking the problem through right after
the incident, whereas others need more time to cool off and will be more open to this
process at a later time.
Minimizing Misbehavior
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
te
Give your child lots of positive feedback when she shows self-control. It is important to help children experience and understand the natural
benefits of good behavior. (Credit: StockLite / Shutterstock.com)
Ways to Minimize Misbehavior
1. Be consistent.
Consistency with rules is key to helping children learn to make good choices. If every time a child
throws a toy it gets taken away for a few minutes, he learns not to throw toys. But when the rules
keep changing, it makes it hard for young children to make good choices. If one day a tantrum
doesn’t result in getting to stay longer at the park, but the next day her protests get her four more
trips down the slide, your child will be confused about what choice to make, “Well, making a fuss
worked the other day so maybe I should try that again.”
2. Avoid negotiation.
This is tough. We want to make sure our children feel heard. We want them to see us as open-
minded, good listeners. We want to be flexible. But negotiating about family rules is a slippery
slope. A child who can negotiate for extra cookies or a later bedtime will quickly learn that this is
a very effective way to get these “fringe benefits.” Soon you will find yourself negotiating
everything. Having consistent rules—about things like holding hands in a parking lot, sitting in a
car seat, or brushing teeth—actually helps children feel safe and secure. They come to
understand that there is structure, logic, and consistency in their world.
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
te
3. Give your child a chance to problem-solve before stepping in. Whether it is finding the right
place for the puzzle piece she is holding, or negotiating with a friend about who gets to swing on
the swing first, let your child try to figure out a solution first, before you step in to help. (When he
does come to you to solve the problem, you might help him along by making suggestions: Blocks
can be so frustrating! How about trying to put more blocks on the bottom so that your tower
doesn’t fall down?) You may be surprised to see how capable he is at managing conflict and
dealing with the challenges he faces.
4. Give your child lots of positive feedback when she shows self-control.
Children want to please. When you respond positively to their behavior, you reinforce that
behavior and also build their self-esteem. You stomped your feet when you were mad rather than
hitting. Great job! Children who feel good about themselves are more likely to be well-behaved.
It is important to help children experience and understand the natural benefits of good behavior.
For example, if they cooperate with teeth-brushing instead of protesting it, there is time for an
extra book at bedtime.
When to Seek Help
Staying in control of your own emotions makes it more likely that your child will calm down more quickly. (Credit: wk1003mike /
Shutterstock.com)
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
te
Some aggressive behavior is a typical part of early childhood development (see the introduction
and the age-based sections above for more information). However, if a child’s aggression is
interfering in his ability to interact with others in positive ways, in his ability to explore and learn,
or if you find that because of your child’s aggressive behavior you avoid having him play with
other children or taking him to other activities, it can be very helpful to seek guidance from a
child development professional.
Certain behaviors do warrant additional attention when they happen often and continue over
time. Examples include when a child:
Appears fearless or reckless, taking a “daredevil” approach to life. This approach often leads
to breaking things or intrusive behavior (getting into other people’s space).
Seems to crave high-intensity sensory stimuli. Sometimes children who need lots of “touch”
to feel centered get this sensory input in unacceptable ways (hitting, shoving, pushing, etc.)
Engages in unprovoked hitting; acts aggressively “out of the blue” or for no reason you can
see.
Shows a preoccupation with aggressive themes in pretend play.
Begins acting aggressively following a traumatic episode or major life change.
Get Our Parenting Newsletter!Receive parenting strategies and ideas each month asyour child grows from birth to three years old. Sign up forFrom Baby to Big Kid today!
(https://my.zerotothree.org/NC__Product?id=a1B1a000000j4zoEAA)
SIGN UP NOW (HTTPS://WWW.ZEROTOTHREE.ORG/RESOURCES/520-FROM-BABY-TO-BIG-KID?UTM_SOURCE=AGGRESSIVEBEHAVIOR&UTM_MEDIUM=WEBSITE&UTM_CAMPAIGN=FBTBK)
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
teDo
nate
Dona
te
